by Jimmie Davis

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away
The other night dear as I lay dreaming
I dreamt that you were by my side
Came disillusion when I awoke dear
You were gone and then I cried
You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once dear there'd be no other
That no one else could come between
But now you've left me to love another
You have broken all my dreams
You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

i found this fitting….. for my thoughts.. .

Well its been hard for me to want to even talk about this .. but i think i need to at least in my own mind let it all go..  I'm embarrassed, hurt, disappointed, confused, shocked, i feel like a fool…

Me and Nick are not getting married… My dreams, hopes, ideas, and life i was working to build with him is not going to happen…

HE said to me… that i had hurt him and he could not be with me that i would never understand him and we are 2 different people.

I asked him how i hurt him yet he would not explain he wouldn't talk about it or give any sold detail of what i have done other than i always argued with him and never believe what he said..

for months he was going threw some stress in the army.. and well i tried to be there as much as i could however it wasn't enough or it was too much .. I don't fully understand it and has he would say you never will .. but i do know this after all the things he said to me

you are my dream girl

i love you

i want to have children with you

I'm lucky to have you

ill never leave you or hurt you

will you marry me

i have always wanted to be with you

i love you Emily

Turns out with all those things he actions did not match if you truly love someone you would try to work it out..

he would get so angry with me, i always felt like i was on egg shells, he pretended to love me and want me when it was a good time for him..

he stated to me that i always asked for more than what he could give.

he was in another state what could i even ask him for..

boils down he isn't the man i thought he was… i trusted him i loved him i gave him everything of me.. i was going to change my whole life to be with him to grow and make a new one but it isn't good enough. i guess I'm not the one never really was.. .i might not ever find out the truth .. some say its another woman others say he is just having issues and he will come back .. ..( so much had happen but details seem to not matter any more because its over, he has made that clear)

well i say  I don't know… i thought he was the man i was going to be with for the rest of my life.. but it doesn't look like it  will be… i guess again i get another preview of what it would have been like.. i was i truly loved him, with everything i had, i had been in love with him for a very long time. its very hard not to get bitter and just hate him and hate every man i see.. but I'm not going to allow myself to do that.. i cant.. i want to believe there will be a man out there who wants me truly for me .. not to change me or tell me to be normal or ask me why i cant flirt with him like other women do ( even though I'm not in the same state) or any thing else that is hurtful and discouraging .

its good it didn't happen after we were married but who knows what would have happen i guess.. ill never know..

all i can do is move forward… so i have :

I'm 1 of 3 steps closer to joining the Le Cordon Bleu, I'm going to change my life.. once I'm finish with school I'm planning to check out the following cities for jobs.. Seattle, NYC, Chicago, Sanfran ( First pick will be Seattle), I'm sure more ideas will come up its to far to plan what will happen .. until then I'm going to make a plan..  But first get all 3 steps finish to getting ready  for school, and then go from there

i have also cleared up most of my credit… hell yeah .. its nice… the one good thing that came out of my relationship with nick is he did get me to look more in my financial life .. I'm thankful for that..

I’m going to work hard.. and fast and get my life in order..

i want to do the following.. and will..

make new friends

go out more often and be my smile social self

be good to myself

keep working out ( though i do it everyday)

smile more

and not loose hope

i haven't had much to say lately .. been really busy with work. and life

Also a bit stressed out from life stuff, trying to maintain day by day with the limited mount of control.

I have noticed more and more that this metropolis i live in is becoming much more aggressive, people how they drive and respond its almost a automatic violence. 

Im not to please with were i work.. its weird when i worked there before it didn't seem as stressful, its almost like the group i work with everyone has something bad to say behind each other's backs yet will be frustrated at work because they do not like what someone is doing..  very odd logic.. it seemed before everyone got along but i guess they never did… but im not super worried bout it..

It just becomes really annoying when you hear people bitch bout things that really there isnt any reason to, but i guess that is how they get threw the day.

other than that i haven't been as active in my wedding plans, it isn't easy doing it alone i want to include nick but right now he has so much going on with the army and such that i am not going to bother him about such things right now.. it can wait  we still have a good amount of time.

i did get my new laptop.. i have been enjoying that its nice to have power and i can relax on my couch when i want and be mobile with it..

lets see so far that is about it i really i guess i don't have much to write bout right now..

so i guess im done  see  ya journal

I would be sleeping but i'm missing someone very dear to me

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Before I go to sleep...I wonder what dreams will come to me,will it me last nights nightmare? Or wishes that I hope for. Not sure but I know so long I so dream I will wake up!

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